


The Somnambulists

by soaps



Category: Free!
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Free! Eternal Summer, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 08:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13268013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soaps/pseuds/soaps
Summary: Rin invites Sousuke to his home in Austrailia. Sousuke accepts the offer twice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Repost. I'm hanging out at the hospital with too much time on my hands again so here's some angst. Complete. I'll post as I have time to edit.

Sousuke's flight landed the night before and he still feels strange. It isn't terrible the first night. Rin has his own apartment that is twenty minutes from his university and ten to the ocean. The weather is warm and the sky has been some shade of blue since his plane touched down. Even the night sky is blue-black, blotted with milk fat stars. He likes to think that Rin had missed him. 

He begins sneaking peeks at Rin's face immediately after meeting up at the terminal. It seems too much to stare all at once, his features are sharp and the angles in the light unforgiving. The sunlight won’t sink into him and it bounces right back off. Upon arriving Rin had taken him through each room of the little apartment: the dingy kitchen with its linoleum peeling up, the space between the entryway and bedroom which was awkward but just large enough to be regarded as the living area, and beyond that the bathroom. He watched as Sousuke thumbed through his school books with a pinch in his brow. Rin hovers nervously. The place is what he had to offer, several months of scraping together. And so Sousuke thinks while sitting quietly next to Rin on the broken down sofa in front of the TV that Rin looks much older than he had a year ago. The bone of his nose is thinner. His face has slimmed. Sousuke catches Rin’s eye more than once. If Sousuke had been with him would he have seen the changes? He thinks so, he's always been aware of everything involving Rin.

In the middle of the night Sousuke's shoulder wakes him, a phantom ache that sharpens and stabs. He is confused for a moment, waiting for the sound of the blaring alarm to register but it never does because it is not time for him to be awake. It takes about three seconds for him to remember where he is. Going outside is what he needs and he tiptoes into the kitchen prepared to slip out the door and sees Rin twisted awkwardly in sleep on the couch. He watches the colors of the muted television splash onto Rin's face. It isn't Sousuke's place to pick him up and carry him to bed but he thinks about it. He switches off the TV before closing the door as gently as he can behind him.

~

The doctor explained it to him slowly, pointing an old gnarled finger to the backlit MRI stills. It was Wednesday and the date was circled in the calendar above Sousuke's desk; not the entire box of the day, only the number of the date in red marker. The images of his own anatomy were foreign to him. If he pressed himself and continued, the cuff would tear completely and require surgery.

He asked the doctor if he could go on with the surgery then and save his swimming. The man shook his head dismissively.

"I've been scouted already." Sousuke said. "I have a scholarship."

The old doctor laid his hand on Sousuke's knee and squeezed, firm and warm through the shivers of arthritis. "No you don’t."

~ 

Australia is alien even during the very early hours when it is dark and only Sousuke is awake, moving with the ocean to his right. He used to imagine that when Rin looked out at the sea they were somehow connected. Now that is older he figures that Rin had never looked, or at least not in the same way.

 

Rin tosses a five cent coin into the fountain. Water gushes out of its center in a dozen high reaching streams. The cement wall around the feature is a little over a half meter wide and a few people are sitting on it comfortably. He and Sousuke stand and Sousuke is tall enough that the sharp edge of the wall digs into his knee when he leans against it. Seagulls flap around overhead. Sousuke winces every time one beats its wings too close to him. There are more piles of bird shit in the fountain square than people.

"How much is this?" Sousuke asks, taking a handful of pocket change from Rin.

"Not much," he says.

Sousuke pitches the coins one at a time, tossing low from his waist without really knowing what they are worth. He wants to ask what not much really means but doesn't. His throat is tired.

"What did you wish for?" Sousuke asks after a few quiet moments pass.

"I can't say, or it won't come true." Rin side-eyes him. He knows when he's being annoying. "Everyone knows that."

Sousuke narrows his eyes minutely before dropping a nickel into the rippling surface of the water. Rin has a sunburn blooming across his cheekbones and the tip of his nose and Sousuke has to restrain himself to keep from flicking at it.

"We should go to the beach next. I promised Gou I'd send you back with some shells for her and I know a place that hasn't been totally picked through by tourists. It’s kind of hard to get to."

"Yeah, sounds good," Sousuke agrees, wincing again as a bird flies too close.

"Weak," there's laughter in his voice. Sousuke opens his mouth to respond, or maybe just to scoff, when Rin shouts. "What? What - oh god." Bird shit rolls down the bridge of Rin's nose. 

Sousuke cackles, doubles over. "That - " he tries, "that is exactly what I wished for."

The poop has stopped its descent but remains there, wet and viscous across Rin's forehead and nose. He can't wipe it away without risking his eye and Sousuke doubts he'd ruin his shirt for that anyway. It’s a nice shirt. "You wished this on me?"

Sousuke can't breathe properly, and every time the laughter subsides he catches a glance at Rin and starts laughing again. "Yeah," he manages. "Yeah! Constantly, everyday since I met you, but this time specifically. Holy shit, give me more coins, I need to wish for something else."

"No!" Rin says, "No more wishes for you, that's it."

He drags Sousuke to a public bathroom and struggles to wipe his face clean with a wet paper towel. Rin's face is warped in the metal mirror, screwed into the wall and made so that it can’t be broken or taken down. "My nose hurts now," he mutters after scrubbing at the bridge with the rough paper. Sousuke laughs again, loud and jarring against the cement brick walls. A man finishing at the urinal is bothered by the commotion. Sousuke doesn't tell Rin that he has a sunburn.

“Sousuke. Sousuke, this is Jason, Corey, and Miranda," Rin says, his English coming to him easily as he gestures to each person in turn. Music pulses from the speakers above the bar and makes their words harder to understand.

"Hello," Sousuke tries, "it is nice to meet you."

"Yeah you too, Sousuke," Jason says. He pronounces his name incorrectly.

Everyone leans in when they speak to him and they smile as though he is facing cognitive issues rather than a language barrier.  
"We've heard a lot about you," the other guy says.

"Yeah," he responds, unsure if it is the appropriate or not. Mostly he wants his personal space back. It makes the group smile and laugh through their noses. Rin begins speaking and Sousuke can't decipher the meaning over the music but he catches his name and knows a story about him is being told. He can't guess which one but it is making Rin smile. While the group is preoccupied he slips away and calls for another drink at the bar, too flustered by pronouncing the simple order to determine if nine Australian dollars is an outrageous price to pay for a beer or not.

Miranda slides into the stool next to him. 

"Aren’t you going to offer to buy me something?" Sousuke looks at her as though she's parted the seas and she laughs. "I'm majoring Japanese literature. How's my accent?"

"Thick, not terrible. How's mine?"

"Terrible," she says as she takes a drink of the beer Sousuke had just ordered. He orders another one. She wipes the foam from her lip with her thumb instead of licking it off. "Do you want to go outside?"

Sousuke glances at Rin and sees that he's run into a second group of people and they're talking and slapping each other's shoulders. He feels like an interloper and looks away, nods. Outside the air blows warm and smells thickly of salt. Miranda's hair whips around on particularly strong gusts and soon it is the color and texture of a bird's nest. "Rin talks about you a lot. I knew it was you before he introduced us." She fights to keep her hair from flying into her mouth as she speaks. "He described you well."

Sousuke feels the wind blow right through his chest. "Yeah?"

"Mmm." She doesn't elaborate and they lapse into a comfortable silence. Miranda is a little drunk, Sousuke guesses. Her feet unevenly skip as she leads him down the sidewalk to the bench at a bus stop. He catches whiffs of her perfume when the breeze lets up.

Sousuke sets his empty bottle near the foot of the bench when they sit down. "He's happy here, isn't he?" He guesses that he might be a little drunk too.

"I don’t know, probably," Miranda says. She’s overly flippant, but after he thinks about it for a moment and he decides that probably is the most honest answer because who can ever know with Rin.

 

Rin gets ugly drunk and Sousuke has to prop him against his good shoulder to keep him upright. Rin's friends laugh about it, all of them sweaty and disheveled from drinking. They tell Sousuke to get home safe. It makes him feel odd when Rin's clammy forehead is lolling to the crook of his elbow.

"Come on," he says, practically dragging Rin on his feet.

"Did you have fun?" Rin slurs.  
Sousuke has to stop to tuck his hand under Rin's armpit to keep him vertical. "Yeah, I did. Pick your feet up."

"You left." He sounds dejected, voice directed to the pavement as he doesn't have the presence of mind to balance his head on his neck.

"I didn't leave. I went outside to talk to Miranda." The streets are dark and a glance at his watch tells Sousuke it is a little after three a.m. "You don't have class tomorrow, do you?" Rin does little to cooperate and is resigned to letting himself be dragged along. He keeps scuffing the toe of his Nike's on the sidewalk, both dirtying and fraying the rubber at the tip of the shoe. Sousuke openly grimaces.

"What did she have to say?"

"That you always smell terrible. She said she's been giving you little sample packages of deodorant for months but you won't take the hint."

"She did not say that," Rin says, stiffening.

"How do you know?"

Rin has to think. "I mean..."

Sousuke fights the urge to smile though he doubts the angle of Rin's head would allow him to see it anyway. A car passes them on the street, it's bright headlights illuminating the haggard looking cracks in the road. The ocean crashes loudly into the shore. Someone lights a cigarette on the balcony in the apartment to their left, a small and brief flash.

"Gonna puke."

He drops his arm so that Rin can fall to his knees and dry heave into the grass. No other cars roll by and the only source of light is from the street light that flickers at the corner of the block. The stars are all blotted out.

"False alarm," he says, straightening. "I think this would go faster if you carried me."

Sousuke laughs out loud. "You just said you were going to throw up."

"I didn't though."

Sousuke throws Rin's arm over his shoulder. "Exactly," he says.

Rin's fingers curl against his neck, automatic and childlike. Rin's feet struggle to find a pattern and he keeps stepping on Sousuke's left foot with his own left foot. Sousuke is glad he didn’t wear good shoes. "I wouldn't throw up on you." Sousuke feels the crown of Rin's hair brush his chin. He has to support most of his weight as they struggle up the stairs to the apartment and he feels his chest glow where Rin leans into it.

"Yeah?"

"I like you."

"You like me," Sousuke repeats. He is drunk too, not so far gone as Rin, and he struggles to fit the key into the lock. It scratches loud and metallic against the seam of the door when he misses, which he does an irritating number of times.

"I guess you could say that," his speech is worse than it had been when they left the bar, both from fatigue and latent intoxication. "Wouldn't mind keeping you around."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Sousuke helps him into bed. He struggles to pull Rin's feet out of his sad shoes and stares at his pink socks before pulling those off too. He is pliant when Sousuke shifts his limbs into something that looks comfortable and pulls a blanket around him. He recognizes the blanket as one his own mother had knitted for Rin before he left for Australia and his heart does something odd. Rin has taken good care of it, the teal color is still relatively bright and when he inhales it smells clean and fresh and distinctly like its owner. "The garbage can is right here." Sousuke knocks his knee against the bin as he sets it at the edge of Rin's bed.  
Rin sighs, long-suffering. "You’re leaving?"

"I'm going to bed."

"Stay here," Rin says. Suddenly awake, he snatches up Sousuke's wrist. Rin's hands are calloused though not terribly so, his drunk grip is a vice.

“No.”

“Yes. I said please.”

Rin didn’t say that, at least not out loud. "You  
want me to get into your twin bed and sleep with you."

Rin thinks nothing of it. "Yes."

"No."

"Well..." he trails off, having forgotten what he wanted to say. "I'm cold."

"Then I'll turn the air conditioning off. Where's the switch?"

"Huh, I don't know. Get up here." he gives his wrist a tug that pulls on his arm hair uncomfortably.

"Rin, stop."

"Please?"

“Come on. It’s weird.”

“Sousuke.”

He won’t win this. With a groan, Sousuke casts away his own shoes and climbs onto the unoccupied side of the bed. He is pinched between his drunk friend and the wall. Throughout the duration of their friendship they've only shared a bed a few times and they were much younger then. Rin's hands are hardly cold, the liar. He twists to look at him. Their faces are too close sharing the same pillow. There’s a half-dozen seconds of shared breath and Sousuke is stumped.

A slow smile splits Rin’s spoiled face. "Thank."

A smile cracks Sousuke's lips and the heavy feeling disperses. "'Thank'?"

"Uh huh."

"I can't stand you. Go to sleep," he says, twisting Rin by the shoulders so that he faces the garbage can.

"Nah," Rin trails, annoying as ever. He is relaxed and his voice floats in the air light and slow like a feather dropping. "I think you love me."

Sousuke is uncomfortably awake, injured shoulder to the wall, struck dumb by the rallentando of Rin's breathing. Sousuke knows when sleep claims him. He cards fingers through Rin's hair just to feel the texture of it, or maybe he doesn’t and he only dreamt that part.

~

The sharp pain that took his shoulder when he rolled onto it in sleep roused him. Sousuke opened his eyes and groaned, even tried massaging the ache away for a time, and his eyes became acclimated to the late afternoon light that slipped into the room from above the rod of the drawn curtains. He was awake by then. He wondered if it was worth getting out of bed to piss or if he could find sleep again at least until the matter became more pressing.  
The doorknob jangled and after a moment his roommate stepped into the room. "You're still in here? When's the last time you went to class?"

Sousuke shifted slightly, guessing sleep was off the table. "You're not going to swim professionally. Get over it." The roommate was wearing Tokitsu colors. He loosened the tie from around his neck and hung it on the knob of the closet door. In the morning he would slip it over his head, tighten up again and wear it, never undoing or redoing the simple knot - the raggedy thing was always either being worn or almost being worn. "You can still do things," he said, or repeated rather, from the multiple conversations they'd had before, "You can still be part of the team."  
He threw open the curtain and opened the window and sunlight and tired Tokyo air slapped Sousuke in the face. He had to blink a few times to refocus his eyes.

"If you can't, then go home. For real, you’re depressing everyone." he leaned a hip against the simple dresser near the far wall and opened a drawer, roughly pulling out some of Sousuke's clothes. "Whatever makes you happy." His roommate stood at the edge of his bunk and dropped the set of clothes onto his lap. "Get a shower. You look awful."

~ 

The next morning when Sousuke wakes, Rin's back is pressed to his chest and the vinous strands of his hair are in his mouth and he almost stays in bed. He tells himself his inclination to do so is not based on the strange enjoyment he's getting from their close proximity - because this is Rin, after all - but is instead from their shared body heat warming his toes in the too-cold apartment and also maybe a hangover. It takes a lot of awkward shuffling but he gets up in the end, careful not to disturb his bedmate. He hunts for twenty minutes for the thermostat and finds it half hidden behind Rin's wall calendar. The only dates circled in the planner are his friends' birthdays. The calendar also says that Sousuke has five more days until his flight back to Japan. He suddenly has to fight the urge to go peek at Rin in his bed, to stand in the doorway and watch his breaths come easy. Lack of sleep is driving his thoughts in odd directions.

Sousuke has to use Rin's soap; he forgot to bring his own. The water comes down on him from the rusty shower head. It was ice cold when it first sputtered to life but quickly runs hot. It burns his skin but he leans into it, rolling forwards and backwards on the ball of his feet as the water pressure fluctuates. His right arm hangs painful and useless at his side. It wasn’t so bad yesterday. The cap of his shoulder, over the surface area equivalent to that of his palm, is rubricated by inflammation and hurts to touch. The pain startles something in him and he wants to cry. Rin is practically unattainable now, even hung over and sleeping in the next room. If they cannot swim together, what does Sousuke have to offer him? But Sousuke does not cry. He swallows the tears that burn at his throat and picks up a bottle of Rin's shampoo. It smells like him, like his hair in Sousuke’s mouth. He lathers it into his scalp one-handed and sits on the cracking floor of the shower and is quiet.

 

Rin doesn't wake until nearly three in the afternoon. He sleeps through the worst of his hangover and orders pizza online while towel drying his hair, feeling entirely better after throwing up while attempting to shower. Sousuke thinks he's never met someone so charming. Rin props himself up on the couch, feet hanging non-threateningly over Sousuke's knees. Sousuke is not used to such a touch coming from him. The pizza box is folded back and resting across his bare torso and Sousuke actually hopes the grease will somehow manage to seep through the two layers of cardboard and streak his skin. He also hopes Rin won't jerk and knock the food to the floor.

"Hey Sou," Rin says.

"Hmm?"

"Who was your first kiss?"

"What?"

"Your first kiss, who was it?"

The question is strange and has no place in the context of their relationship. Sousuke has to consider what Rin is asking. “The girl from across the street.”

"The blonde? She was a year ahead of us.”

"Yeah, you remember her."

"Yeah," Rin says, setting the spent box on the coffee table. It knocks into Sousuke's mostly empty can of cola and he has to scramble forward to catch it.

"What about you?" Sousuke asks.

"That must have felt like a real score to you at the time, an older girl. You didn’t tell me about it, though. Is that your type, blondes?"

"What?"

The towel from Rin's shower is draped over his shoulders. It's a faded blue-green. "You’re into blonde girls, then?"

"Not really? They're fine. Are you?"

"No."

Sousuke waits for him to continue but he doesn't. "Why do you ask?"

Rin pulls his feet back and shifts so that he is  
sitting upright on the couch. "No reason," he rubs the towel through his mostly-dry hair one more time before dropping it unceremoniously to the floor, "Just that Miranda seemed kind of into you."

"She’s brunette."

"No she's not, her hair's dark blonde."

"Oh," Sousuke says. He's unsure why this conversation is being pursued, he's leaving the country in five days and he's met her only once. "That's pretty much the same thing."

"No it’s not."

Sousuke's mouth feels a little stale. "Okay." The reception on the television flickers a few times before giving out completely. The screen fills with snow. He guesses a line has been taken out by a tree branch. The weather is getting bad. "Does it snow in Australia?" Sousuke asks.

"Never while I've been here," Rin says, eyes steady on the static. There’s no reason for his mood to have turned the way it has.

~

Sousuke stared at the ceiling and searched for shapes or faces in the imperfections of the plaster. There weren't enough chips or popped bubbles for Sousuke to form a picture in his mind and so he sat with his mind full of static, pixels that were supposed to make an image but couldn’t sort themselves out. He hated it - waiting in an unfamiliar Samezuka dorm for Rin to hopefully show up. He was probably with his mother and Gou at the moment, celebrating the last day before the semester in a sickly sweet way that was typical for Rin's mom. She was a nice lady, Sousuke remembered. Sousuke imagined the architecture of their home, the color of the kitchen, the young tree that grew in the corner of the lot. The way Rin's pillows smelled. He wondered what, if anything, had changed.

~

"What about this one?" Sousuke asks, holding up a pink shell.

"I've already sent her a few of those," he says, recognizing it even at a distance. The tide laps easy and lukewarm over their feet. Rin has his jeans rolled halfway up his calves and Sousuke remembers the trip into town he'd taken with him a year ago to buy the ankle bracelet he's wearing now. He walks over.  
"That's a nice one though, I'd keep it."

"It's got a chip." Sousuke points with his second finger to the scrape.

"It's in good shape. Keep it." Rin’s hands are dirty with sand and he has a crescent of grime forced under each of his short nails. His hair is windblown and he looks happy. Rin walks across the sand quickly, believing he's spotted something he hasn't. "Gou likes the white ones."

Sousuke stands knee-deep in the water, forgetting the shells and watching the rolling of the waves in the distance. The sight of the it makes his stomach feel a little weak.

"Look at this one," Rin says, pulling him away from his thoughts. The light is fading and Rin is a silhouette in the setting sun.

Sousuke joins him, feeling the familiar drag of the water around his ankles. He takes it. "It's pretty," he says, holding the shell. It's curled inward on itself, chipped along its tapered edges and streaked with orange and cream. It is almost the size of his open palm.

Rin snorts and it is so unattractive that Sousuke expects something took a shit on him again. "I've never heard you use the word pretty before."

"What?"

"Never in my life."

"That's not true," Sousuke says, finding himself oddly defensive.

The decision to walk up the shore is unspoken but mutual. The sun falls quickly beyond the horizon and the tide seems louder now and the beachgoers on the other side of the rocks dissipate. "You act like it's so odd. I can like things."

Rin hoists himself over easily. His bare toes help him to find purchase on the rock surface like he's a monkey. Sousuke thinks it could be possible that he actually is one, all things considered. Pulling himself over the mound is difficult and more than uncomfortable as he has no choice but to grip the surface with both hands to keep his balance. His shoulder protests. It was easier climbing it on the way in, the slope was more gradual on that side. He almost asks if they could find a way around but doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that he's struggling. They make it over, shoes tucked in the bags with their haul of shells. He eyes the line of Rin's shoulders and the rise and fall of his chest. There is an ease to his actions, gentle and fluid, and Sousuke thinks he looks rather content.

~

"Don't ever insult my dad like that again," Rin grit out. He leaned forward slightly, beaten down and hung over his parted knees.

Sousuke mirrored his posture. "I didn't say that to insult him. I'm sorry." his eyes were trained steadfast on the floor and he guessed that Rin's probably were too.

"Why'd you swim like that today?" he asked, demanding. Sousuke took too long to respond and he angered. "Say something."

"I guess for me swimming really is an individual sport." he drew his words together the best that he could, keeping his voice low in an effort to minimize the echo in the empty hall. "When you dive in the water, you're alone. It's not feeling all buddy-buddy that makes you any faster."

Sousuke sensed Rin rear up beside him. "You're totally wrong! A relay's about the team. Why can't you understand that?" Rin's voice shivered and they both pretend not to notice.

He eyed him for a moment before looking away. There was so much discomfort here and Sousuke was pulling back, hiding bare skin from what burns. "We think too differently about this. You and I are better off not teaming up."

Rin jerked and the towel he'd draped over his head fell to the ground.

"I swim for myself. So I want to swim and be responsible only for myself.” Sousuke stood and left Rin alone.

~

He sits on the dryer as it shakes, watching as Rin squats low on the floor to throw his clothes into the washing machine. Rin owns a lot of underwear. "Hand me the soap," he says. Sousuke stretches his leg and kicks the jug across the floor. It hits Rin in the ass and he startles as though he's been groped before he realizes what touched him. Sousuke snorts out a laugh.

"Dick," he mutters, twisting to reach the Downy. The bell over the door chimes as a couple enters the laundromat. They smile widely and the girl's laugh trills over the rumble of the old machines. "Nice," Rin says quietly to himself, holding the jug of laundry detergent at his chest and thinking aloud. It is small and insignificant and Sousuke grins to himself and has to look out the window to keep from remarking.

Rin carries the heaping laundry basket the three and a half blocks back to his apartment without asking Sousuke for help. He watches him try to simultaneously to balance the thing on his knee and unlock the door before offering assistance. "Gotta pee," Rin says, tossing the basket on the couch and making a dash for the bathroom. The laundry basket tips and half of Rin's clean clothes tumble to the floor. Sousuke hesitates, watching a sock slide from the beaten cushion to the floor before wandering from the doorway without picking them up. He opens the fridge and takes a coke from the top shelf. The cold air in the apartment, initially a welcome relief from the blistering heat outside, sinks uncomfortably into his fingers and toes. He slips into Rin's bedroom and pulls the blanket from the bed, unwilling to drag his own around the dirty apartment.

A disruption in the wall on the near side of the room catches his eye. The hole is mostly circular and trailed with radiating cracks. When he scratches at the rough edge of the exposed drywall with his thumb nail white flakes fall and float down. Sousuke clenches a tight fist and lines it with the hole and is reminded that Rin's hand is smaller than his own. He hears the toilet flush and the sink starts to run. He walks out, shutting Rin's bedroom door behind him.

 

"Why do you keep your apartment so cold?" Sousuke asks. Dinner is cooking on the stove and he's wrapped tightly in the blanket. In a sign of his own weakness, Rin has his feet slyly wedged under his friend's warm thigh.

"Don't pay a utility bill," he says, as though that is an adequate explanation. Sousuke thinks for a moment that Rin really is rather odd, flipping the channels on the TV so quickly that the picture never comes into focus. Maybe he feels fondness for it because Rin always has been odd in ways you'd have to be around him for a while to pick up. Sousuke sinks into him, his familiar weirdness. Sousuke looks at Rin and catches the movement of the hair that lays against his jaw. It looks soft and he remembers the way it felt between his fingers as he had the night before last - or had he dreamt that? 

"Are you happy here?" Sousuke finally blurts.

"Huh?" Rin meets Sousuke's eye, perplexed by the question. "Yeah, I'd say so."

"I just want - " The stove begins to hiss as the pasta boils over.

"Shit!" Rin jumps from the couch and pulls the pot away from the heat, scalding himself in the process.

 

"I hate this," Sousuke says. "What is this? Coconut?" he continues to slather his face and neck with Rin's shaving cream. He leans over the counter into the mirror, naked but for a pair boxers and a set of electric blue socks he'd stolen from Rin's dresser.

"It matches my sunscreen," Rin calls from the kitchen. "I don't like conflicting scents."

Sousuke shakes his head and drags the razor down his cheek. How often does Rin even wear sunscreen? Not often enough probably. He's peeling from the other day. When Sousuke speaks he keeps his mouth scrunched to the side. "This is for women." 

Rin was awake early that morning preparing to leave for practice. The sound of Rin getting ready: packing his gym bag, washing his face, clomping around the kitchen making breakfast, felt so familiar to Sousuke as he floated on the precipice that he had startled wide-eyed with the thought that he was going to be late. They were not at Samezuka anymore and they were not on the swim team together. Groggy and vulnerable to the knowledge, the realization made his stomach churn. He had fallen back to sleep at some point after Rin left though he couldn't pinpoint exactly when. He wonders if he will ever be used to having graduated. He wonders when taking a break will stop feeling like being stalled.

Rin pokes his head in the doorway of the bathroom. "But my legs are lady soft-" he stops. "Wow."

"What?" Cream still coats half Sousuke's face and when he speaks a glob falls from his chin and lands in the sink with a wet plop.

Rins eyes are below Sousuke's throat. "Wow," he exclaims.

"What?"

There's a long pause. "You are so hairy."

Sousuke lets out a long-held breath and turns back to the mirror. "That happens when you hit puberty. You'll learn all about it when you get there."

"I've never seen you with body hair before. I thought you were hairless, like one of those hypoallergenic dogs. I didn't think you shaved." Rin invites himself in and sits on the closed seat of the toilet. He remembers he was insulted, "Ass."

Sousuke holds back a smile at his late reaction to his quip. "I waxed." he returns to his task, conscious of the fact that he is being watched.

"Huh."

Sousuke focuses on clearing the hair from the cleft of his upper lip and not on the fact that Rin is lounging on the toilet like it's a sofa.

"Hey, Sou."

"Yeah?"

"Do you wax your eyebrows."

Sousuke turns from the mirror and raises one of the brows in question. "Hmm."

"I have a theory."

"Get out."

"Okay! Nobody has arches like that." Always in better humor after having spent time in the pool, Rin squeezes around Sousuke as he makes his exit. "One more thing," Rin says. Before Sousuke can turn from his reflection Rin's hand is darting forward to pull out a tuft of fine hair near Sousuke's nipple. Sousuke chokes and makes a move to swipe at Rin with his left arm but he's too quick. Rin is practically squealing, ridiculous and childish as he darts down the hall to the safety of the kitchen.

"I want my socks back!" Rin cries, sounding as though he is still laughing somewhere in the apartment. Sousuke rinses his face in the sink. His cheeks tingle.

~

He heard approaching footsteps.  
"Rin!" the voice was loud and grating as it trailed after Rin. Sousuke cursed, having wanted to catch him alone. He was close to the main hall, separated from Rin by the tall grey wall and a turn in the corridor.

"Please wait, it's okay!"

Instead of turning the corner, Sousuke stopped at the edge of the hall and pressed himself flat to the cement brick.

"You just happened to have a bad day," the voice continued. They were approaching Rin's outburst incorrectly, nearly matching his level of stress rather than keeping calm so that Rin could have something stable to cling to. 

"You're talent is the real deal. If you were in better condition, you could have-"

"Shut up!" Rin shouted, striking something hard with his fist. Sousuke felt his own anxiety grow. He should have turned the corner then, but after not seeing Rin in so long he felt the need to hold off, unwilling for their first meeting to turn sour.

"Please calm down." they rattled, distressed, a loud little bird. "If you do that you won't be allowed to participate in the next event."

"I don't give a damn what happens!" Rin shouted. "I'm obviously no better than this. That's why I got taken off the relay. Forget it, I quit! I'm done swimming!" he kicked something and it clanged against the floor. Garbage flew past the mouth of the corridor.Sousuke fisted the fabric of his jeans, heart thudding. Before he could move Rin was walking in front of him, passing the turn of the hallway and moving forward. He was slumped and he took in breaths that shook his shoulders. Sousuke was frozen by the sight of him.

~

"Say hi, Sousuke." Rin says when he joins him in the kitchen. He sits at the table with his laptop open and headphones on. When Sousuke stands behind him he sees that the skype window is open and Gou's bright face fills the screen. Sousuke waves, knowing she won't be able to hear him with Rin's setup. Gou looks excited to see him, straightening up and pointing to her camera as she says something to Rin.

"She wants to talk you," he says, taking off his headset and handing it to Sousuke. He gives up his seat and wanders off, either to give them privacy or to take a long awaited piss. The latter is more likely as Gou has a tendency to become rather long-winded when given the opportunity.

"Hey, Gou.”

"Do you like Australia?" she asks, twisting the length of her ponytail around her finger. Her top is shirred around her breast. The royal purple brings out the shade of her eyes.

"Yeah," Sousuke says, having nearly forgotten how cute she is. "It's nice here."

"Have you gone swimming in the ocean yet? Rin tells me you found a shell at the beach that is very pretty."

His manages to expertly avoid the first question. "Is he still on that?"

"Of course. When's your flight back?"  
There's an X over the date in his mind. "Two days."

"Hmm," she pauses to take a drink of her tea. That could be considered rude, probably, but Sousuke doesn't care. "Why so soon?"

"We planned a week," Sousuke replies, fighting the illogical urge to become defensive. 

"Two more days is a week."

"What's another week, then, in the scheme of things?"

He feels his brows set. "Another week is seven days."

"You both seem happy to me. It's not like Rin has many friends down there, and all you do anymore is work."

"Because I need to work," Sousuke tells himself. "Besides, I met some of his friends the other day. They're fine.”

"Yeah," Gou says, and Sousuke senses the unsaid. "He doesn't have history with them."

"History," he repeats.

"I worry that he gets lonely," she admits, eyes flickering down to her tea cup. Silence settles over them both. Sousuke hears Rin knocking around in his bedroom.

"Do you think he's happy?" he asks.  
Gou deliberates a moment before looking back up at the window. Her gaze still seems downcast because she's looking into Sousuke's eyes on her own screen rather than her camera. Sousuke is doing the same thing. "I don't know," Gou says. "Maybe."

~

Rin threw open the door to their room with such a force that the knob bounced against the rubber stopper and nearly shut itself on the backswing. He kicked the shoes off his feet, one left a grey scuff on the white paint of the wall. The other struck their dresser at an angle, and the laces that were tucked behind the tongue of the sneaker came undone. Rin let out a loud, strangled groan. He struggled to unzip his jacket but the zipper jammed near his collar. He cursed and tried to tug it over his head, but the jacket tangled with his shirt. He stood in the center of the room, arms stuck over his head, face covered with the tightly twisted fabric. He thrashed like an angry child, blinded by his clothing. Sousuke watched, transfixed on the white of his smooth wriggling back and the absurdity of it all.

"What?" Sousuke peeked his torso over the railing of the top bunk.

Rin's body turned to face Sousuke, obviously shocked by to find him there. Sousuke wished he could see his face.

"What," Sousuke said again, this time dissolving into his dry, throaty laughter, "What are you doing? What are you trying to do?"

"Nothing!" Rin said, already sounding chagrined as he localized his struggle and pulled the entire top half of his outfit off and threw it to the floor. His face was reddened and his hair stood at odd angles. He was wearing two different socks. "Shut up! God," Rin exclaimed. He rushed to the closet to put on a shirt. His ruddy blush reached his collar bones and tears dotted his lashes, residual from his almost-explosion. Sousuke quickly judged that he didn't need soothing, only a distraction from whatever caused the childish outburst. He felt him flop onto the bottom bunk.

"You should never laugh like that." Rin sounded indignant. "You sound like a horse."

“Oh yeah?” Sousuke's laugh petered out after a few deep breaths. "I like your socks Rin," he managed before spiraling into another fit of neighing.

"Oh my God," he felt Rin kick the bottom of his mattress and he heard the smile.

~

"This isn't good at all," the doctor said. Sousuke's new MRI stills hung from the backlit frame. He was more familiar with what a healthy rotator cuff looked like by that time; he had spent countless hours reading and searching for information on his condition online and in the library.

The doctor bruised easily in his advanced age. Sousuke could see a deep purple mark on his forearm. It peaked out from under his white lab coat when he moved his wrist and Sousuke wondered if he had fallen and if it had hurt.

"That was stupid, what you did," he said. His wiry grey brows knit behind his glasses. "I told you to stop and now you've gone and hurt yourself further. What do your parents say of this?"

“Nothing,” Sousuke said.

The pipes in the wall hissed as water passed through them and his only proffered excuse was that he had something to figure out. The doctor fixed him with a long stare, eyes hard and unblinking. "All of the rehabilitation you've worked so hard for is in the trash. Was it worth that?"

Sousuke considered it for a moment. “Yeah, it was.”

~

"What's wrong?" Sousuke asks. 

“No, it's fine. I just got a bad feeling, like I woke up from a dream that was really important. I can't remember what it was about or if it was a nightmare or not." he sighs, rubs his tired eyes. "Now everything seems wrong. You ever get that?"

"No," Sousuke says. “Sounds weird.”

~

"What do you think of this?" Rin asks, tugging at the gauzy scarf around his neck. He'd bought it from a stall in town. It's covered in frayed edges and loose strings.

Sousuke reaches forward and takes the fabric in his fist to straighten it. The emerald shade so near his face makes his eyes look even sharper.

"Pretty," Sousuke says.

Rin grins.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't look at him. He felt like a child. He was about to throw a tantrum. It is unfair, the most unfair situation Sousuke could yet imagine, and he was alone in it by his own design. He still remembers how it felt that day in the doctor's office, how he'd thrown up in the garbage can outside and it felt like his guts were burning up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Real life stuff

Rin's hair was lit like a halo. It was only the angle of the sun through the skylight that gave the impression but it was still a notable one - crossing the t on an emotion Sousuke didn't know how to digest.

  
  


"You made it," Sousuke said. His voice actually tried to wobble, uncomfortable and strange. The straps of Rin's bags looked like they were cutting into his shoulder but he made no move to adjust. He was usually one to wiggle through discomfort. This was off putting. 

  
  


"I won't have made it until I really go international. This is just Australia. Just a stepping stone.”

  
  


They had to strain their voices to hear each other. The high ceilinged space was basically an echo chamber for white noise and if Sousuke's head weren't hurting he'd try to pick something out of it. He'd listen in on somebody else's goodbye just to compare.

  
  


"You already have your foot on the stage."

  
  


"Yeah," Rin smiled then, genuine and slightly crooked. “I'm getting there.”

  
  


They looked at each other for a few beats too long, unsure of what to say. Rin could have thanked him for helping with his bags or for paying for the cab. He didn't. The number of Rin's flight flashed on the board behind his head. 

  
  


"Sousuke," his tone was serious. "I'll be waiting."

  
  


Sousuke knew better than to hope. Rin held out his fist. Their knuckles hardly brushed. He turned and walked into the terminal and all Sousuke could do was watch his back as he did.

  
  


~

  
  


At midday Sousuke peeks into Rin's bedroom. He's asleep on his bed, still completely dressed. He had an early class that morning. Rin's bare foot hangs off the edge of the mattress. Sousuke hovers. His stomach starts to feel sick. His hand reaches out. The uncomfortable childish want, all ugly embarrassment in yearning. The hand touches Rin hair again - again because he really must have before because this feeling is a memory. Sousuke combs his fingers through it, finds his scalp under it where his body starts. He can feel his heat. It's unexpectedly delicate, Sousuke doesn't know what to think.

  
  


"Mmm," Rin shifts. "The heck? Were you just petting me?" he's confused. He wiggles in place, probably uncomfortable in his restrictive clothes.

  
  


"No," he says, caught.

  
  


"You were?"

  
  


"You had lint in your hair," Sousuke offers in excuse. He almost said a knot and he's glad he didn't.

  
  


"Mmm," he flops onto his side. " D'you get it?"

  
  


"Yeah," Sousuke says. "I got it."

  
  


"Mmm," Rin hums in acknowledgement. He buries his face in his pillow. A few moments pass before his breathing slows again and he is asleep. Sousuke worries that he is becoming some kind of pervert. The want for intimacy is lost on him as it is and so this urge is jarring. He covers Rin with a blanket.

  
  


~

  
  


"Does it still hurt?" Rin asks. 

  
  


I takes Sousuke a moment to think about what Rin is referring to. "Not so much," he lies and continues to stretch his shoulders, both left and right. He struggles to lift his right arm even parallel to the ground. The pain is shocking to him. He'd been recovering bit by bit in his rehabilitation but setbacks and seemingly random flares of pain were common. He covers his inability by focusing his efforts on his left side. Rin has his ass on the kitchen counter near the sink and he watches Sousuke. 

  
  


"Physical therapy is going well then?"

  
  


Sousuke stops what he's doing and heads to the fridge for an apple. "It's fine." He finds one in the bottom drawer and rubs it clean on his shirt. He contemplates rinsing it at the sink instead but finds he doesn't want to near the counter.

  
  


"What does that mean?" The refrigerator hums as it renews its seal with the door.

  
  


“Huh?" he takes a bite of the fruit to fill his mouth.

  
  


Rin looks exhausted. He must be worn from his class load and the hours of practice he attends each day but the tired bruises under his eyes don't take from the sharpness of stare. "Everything is fine.”

  
  


"Everything is fine," Sousuke echoes. He expects what's coming next.

  
  


"Then why won't you get back into swimming?"

  
  


"Too late for that," he feels like he has to smile through it. There's a knot in his throat that isn't from the apple.

  
  


"You could still get picked up." Sousuke can tell Rin is fighting off the tone that is natural to him. He is trying hard not to bully with his determination. "My coach knows a guy that got scouted at 23."

  
  


"Nobody wants an injured swimmer," Sousuke says, holding his own voice in check. The topic is sore and he finds himself easily snapping when the subject is breached. He wants to be left alone. "Besides, I'm working now. I'll go to a university in Tokyo next year. It's not like I'm falling behind." He shoves the fruit between his teeth and tears a piece into his mouth.

  
  


"It's not like you can't heal, Sousuke." Rin's voice is hard in the way it gets when he is about to become upset.

  
  


"It's difficult - " he settles on in lieu of justification, takes a deep breath, " - to explain."

  
  


Rin looks at him owlishly, expectant. When Sousuke doesn't continue, he orders, "Try."

  
  


"I don't want to talk about this. It is what it is.”

  
  


"It is what it is," Rin repeats. For a moment Sousuke is sure that he is going to cry. "Are you happy with that, then?"

  
  


"Yeah," Sousuke affirms. "I'm fine with it." There's a deep bruise in the flesh of the apple the size of a quarter and Sousuke doesn't eat around it. The fruit grits between his teeth and is bitter.

  
  


~

  
  


Rin has a picture of his father's relay team hanging in the hall. It's slightly crooked. There is another photograph of Rin's young Iwatobi team posing with a trophy, and next to it hangs a still of Nanase sitting by the fountain Rin had taken him to with a pocket of coins for making wishes.  

  
  


~

  
  


Once he had left his phone on airplane mode for three days. He received no answer to his texts or calls. Sousuke had thought he was being ignored.

  
  


-

  
  


His shoulders were the pride of his stroke. Sousuke could extend his arms in every direction, resulting in a rotation of nearly 360 degrees and a prowess in the water that was impossible to compete against. He'd had teammates and coaches alike marvel at his unnatural flexibility. No muscle training could grant that ability.

  
  


"It's your connective tissue,” his physical therapist said. She moved his injured shoulder slowly, gripping at where the cap of deltoid bled into his bicep. He couldn't move it on his own. Her hands were firm and warm but gentle enough. "Ligaments connect bone to bone. Tendons connect muscle to bone, generally. They're both fibrous and tough, like rubber bands," she continued. "They need to be that way in order to hold the surrounding anatomy together. Your connective tissues are weak. That's why you can bend your fingers all the way back and why your stroke was so broad. Every time you did an overextension, so every time you moved your arms in a position they shouldn't naturally be able to go to, you hurt yourself. That alone wouldn't have caused an injury like this, but it certainly contributed when coupled with overtraining. It probably wasn't noticeable at first. But it all adds up, like how drops of water falling into a bucket don't fill it up all at once. Ignore it and the bucket spills over." She lifted his shoulder up and down. Pain shot through him but he made no move to stop her. "Some people are born that way. You're just more susceptible to wear and tear than most, is all.”

 

-

 

"That waitress is hitting on you," Rin says, knocking knees with Sousuke under the small booth. His hair is getting long and he's due for a trim.

  
  


"Really," Sousuke mutters, "why would she do that?"

  
  


Rin shrugs and takes a sip of cola through his straw. He refuses to meet Sousuke's eye. 

  
  


"You just struggled through a conversation with her that lasted like, twenty minutes. Maybe she thinks you're cute."

  
  


"She wouldn't be wrong."

  
  


Rin kicks his ankle but there's the ghost of a laugh in his voice. "Insufferable."

  
  


Sousuke grins and watches as Rin begins to pick at his nail beds. Chlorine has wreaked havoc on them and they look painfully dry. There are little red fissures around the nails of his pointer and middle fingers and Sousuke can tell that they've bled at some point during the day from the rust color that's settled into the fine ridges of his skin. He nods at Rin's hands. "Don't pick."

  
  


"Mmm," he drops his hands under the table, probably letting them settle between his knees. His face is blank and he looks a bit grey. "

  
  


“What about you, do you think she's cute?"

  
  


"The waitress? I guess. Are you okay?"

  
  


"Mmm," Rin says again. "What's so cute about her, exactly?"

  
  


"I wasn't looking that close."

  
  


"You weren't looking but you think she's attractive. That doesn't make sense," Rin says, derisive. "She looks exactly like Mika. They could be sisters."

  
  


"Hamasaki Mika? I guess she does, a bit." Sousuke says, peering around the wall of the booth to affirm the comparison. "What of it?"

  
  


"You dated her for like three years, I don't know. That seems significant to me, something you should remember."

  
  


"We dated for nine months sophomore year," Sousuke corrects as he readies himself. The episode that morning in the kitchen has left Rin wired and sour.

  
  


"She came to regionals just to see you."

  
  


Sousuke sighs, already exasperated. He can't think of a way out of this and suddenly he finds himself so annoyed that he could rip his hair out by the fistful. Rin has that effect on him. "She likes swimming and she's my friend, that's why. What's with the third degree for?"

  
  


"Nothing," Rin snaps, bitchy. He's looking down at his hands and his jaw is strained.

  
  


"What the hell, then," Sousuke grits. His irritation borders on real anger. Their earlier talk has left him feeling rather bitter as well. "What do you want me to say? You aren't... There's no point to this conversation. I feel like you're accusing me of something. Mika was nice and supportive even-" he takes a breath, "I don't understand what you're getting at."

  
  


The coffee pot on the bar counter pisses out a weak stream of brown. It smells burnt and the way it settles into Sousuke's nose stands to give him a headache.

  
  


"Okay," Rin says, exhaling out a fraction of his tension. He's still looking at his hands.

  
  


"What?"

  
  


Rin glances up at him, glassy-eyed like a scolded child. He becomes more animated when faced with negative emotions, the opposite of a defense mechanism. "Hmm?"

  
  


"You need to say something, say it. What's bothering you?"

  
  


"I don't have anything to-" he starts. Sousuke drills his toe into Rin's shin and he jerks, both surprised and agitated by the action. He sets his eyes. "I don't." A waitress pours the ruined pot of coffee into the sink.

  
  


"Okay," Sousuke says, voice leading.

  
  


There's frustration in his tone again and he bristles like a cornered animal. "Nothing is bothering me."

  
  


“Okay," Sousuke blinks his eyes and the action takes longer than it should. Rin heaves a difficult breath and steeples his fingers before dropping them under the table again. He really needs a haircut. The waitress comes and sets their orders in front of them, confusing who got which dish. She tells them to enjoy their meal. Sousuke thinks she isn't that cute and makes no move to claim his plate. The clock ticks. The steam coming from Rin's omelet begins to dissipate. He picks up his fork, tines skyward, but still won't spare Sousuke a glance. He slides Rin's plate across the table and reaches across to grab his own. The platter rumbles across the hard surface and Sousuke is reminded of his father tossing his crystal tumblers from hand to hand and the sound they had made against their granite countertop.

  
  


Sousuke cuts into his food. The waitress is back at the counter and is preparing another pot of coffee. If it brews well he'll order a cup and hopefully he will be able to hold it in his hands that have no reason to be shaking as they are. "Why do you do that?" Sousuke asks, voice controlled and even. 

  
  


Rin cuts precise squares out of his omelet. He shifts his fork from hand to hand as he does so like Sousuke's father had done with his sake cups. "I don't know," he admits.

  
  


“Don't dig like that. It's unhealthy." Sousuke takes a drink in an attempt at absolving the fuzzy dryness in his throat. It feels like there's mold in his esophagus.

  
  


"My bad," Rin says. He takes a bite of his food and chews it slowly.

  
  


Sousuke doesn't order any coffee.

  
  


~

  
  


"They'll like you, " Rin says. "They're all nice. They like me, they'll like you."

  
  


Sousuke considers the failure of the previous interaction he'd had with Rin's English speaking friends and is not convinced.

  
  


"I'll translate," Rin says. He could be a mind reader. He heaves open the glass door and the two step through the entryway. The smell of chlorine washes over them and the air is humid and thick. It brings on a heavy feeling of nostalgia that is so distracting that he almost doesn't catch the words when Rin continues. "The locker room is this way."

  
  


"Then I'm going this way," Sousuke gestures to the hall that through sound and scent he deduces leads to the pool.

  
  


"Yeah," Rin says, catching himself. It would be strange if Sousuke sat in the locker room and watched his teammates as they changed while waiting for practice to begin. "Give me like five minutes to get into my jammers.”

  
  


"It'll take you twenty to squeeze out of those pants," Sousuke mutters as he walks down the darkened hall. He emerges and is faced with the pool and his mirth dissipates. The filtration system hums, keeping the placid surface from going completely stagnant. Dots of water decorate the tiled edges. His stomach knots and he wonders if he is going to vomit. His lungs stitch in a way that's reminiscent of running too hard in freezing air, only his throat isn't cold but is hot instead. Burning, even. The feeling lessens after a moment, if only minutely, and a shakiness develops in his knees. His footsteps echo in the enclosed space and he wants to leave.

  
  


"Hello, there," a deep male voice calls, the English words a little difficult to understand. “Are you Rin's mate?"

  
  


Sousuke turns to face him. The man is wearing a thick t-shirt and dark pants and he's taller than Sousuke but narrower in the shoulders.

  
  


"I am here with Rin, yeah."

  
  


"Fantastic," he says. "I'm Coach Rookwood, I'm glad you've decided to come along and meet the team. We've already heard a lot about you."

  
  


Sousuke is confused but tries not to show it, opting to shake his hand. The man's knuckles are scarred and thick. "My name is Yamazaki Sousuke, it is good to meet you."

  
  


There's commotion in the hall and the team trickles into the room. Rin darts over to him quickly, wearing only an old pair of legskins and a towel around his shoulders.

  
  


"Coach, everybody, this is Sousuke. He was my team member in Japan and is one of my great friends." Rin nudges him in the side. "Say hello."

  
  


"Hello," he says. The men that have formed a lazy circle around them offer greetings in varying levels of enthusiasm. The whole situation is terribly awkward, Sousuke thinks, itching with the feeling of so many eyes on him. The chlorine smells like it is at too high of a level for the pool to be swimmable. Maybe he isn't used to it anymore.

  
  


"You remember Jason and Corey from the other night, yeah Sousuke?" When he nods Rin begins to rattle off more names, pointing to people as he does. "He wants to see how we practice here in Australia."

  
  


"How long do you plan on staying for?” One of them asks. Sousuke blinks. The day he arrived in Australia he had gone to a diner with Rin and asked the waitress for a cakepan instead of a pancake and he still needs time to emotionally recover from the painful snorts of laughter that had been directed at him.

  
  


Sousuke cops out. "What?"

  
  


"Tentatively he's heading back tomorrow," Rin says.

  
  


"So soon?"

  
  


Some of the team has lost interest by then, eager to get in the water. Sousuke hears them jump in behind him."Is he the one you were talking about, the one with the bum shoulder?"

  
  


Rin shoots a glance at Sousuke who is clueless as to why his face had taken such a guilty draw. "Don't talk about him like he's not even here."

  
  


"Get in the water. I'll keep him busy." Rookwood claps Sousuke on his good shoulder and pulls him towards the far lanes of the pool. "How's your English? Have you ever coached before?"

  
  


Sousuke hears the sound of Rin diving long and seamless into the water and tries not to imagine looking up at him from the tag-in as he does.

  
  


~

  
  


Hamasaki Mika was a small girl.  When Sousuke wrapped his hands around her waist his fingers overlapped, so was their difference in size. Her eyes were the color of smoldering coals and her hair was strawberry blonde or red depending on the light.

  
  


"You talk about him a lot," she said.  Her hair swept long and untied over the little knot of her shoulder. It looked red in the lamplight of her bedroom, quiet so her sisters couldn't hear them. The window Sousuke snuck through was still open but no breeze came in from it.

  
  


"Do I?"

  
  


"I think you should call him." She sat up, thrilled by her own idea, and the sheet that covered her fell from her throat. "He probably misses you too."

  
  


"I doubt it.”

  
  


"Don't be so pessimistic," Mika said, climbing over him to sit across his hips. Sousuke held her by the thigh and rubbed his thumb in circles over the place where it met her hip. She was completely nude and he was not. He rarely was, with her. Maybe they were in too much of a rush. She was working at a volleyball and her single minded determination was something Sousuke could admire about her.   

  
  


"I'm being honest,” he mused, worrying at her skin with wandering fingers.

  
  


“Well," she drew breath and flicked her hair

over her shoulder. She was knowingly overdramatic. “It's depressing."

  
  


"Sorry," he murmured, firmly squeezing her

ass.

  
  


Mika's almond eyes crinkled at their edges when she laughed. "We are having a conversation! This is me engaging in a conversation with you.”

  
  


“But you're naked,” he said. He wasn't sheepish. A lock of hair was hanging in her face. Sousuke noticed it there often but never made a move to brush it away.

  
  


"You know, I was actually jealous when you first started talking about him. I thought he was a girl that you shared this integral history with, the way you talk sounded like you've been pining after Rin since you were a kid." She kissed him then, sharp chin lightly bumping his as she drew away to speak. "I'm glad he's a guy. I don't think I could compete otherwise."

  
  


He hadn't known what to say so he kissed her.

  
  


~

  
  


Watching Rookwood coach is an easy distraction from the ache of longing that felt when he laid eyes on the starting blocks. He is a loud man and his voice echoes when he makes correction to someone's form or gives praise and Sousuke is grateful for the solidness of him.

  
  


“Longer arms. Relax shoulders,” Sousuke tells a man swimming the front crawl after Rookwood tells Sousuke to make himself useful. This man has hair that is dark and his eyes are blue. 

  
  


“Not Tight. Long Legs. Again.”

  
  


“Okay, like this?” He raises himself on the starting block and gestures to the bend of his knee.

  
  


“More forward. Yeah. Foot moves last.”

  
  


He dives into the water more smoothly this time enter the water at an easier angle.  The swimmer pops up after the effectively extended underwater phase without settling into his stroke. "That felt a lot better. No one's ever told me to bend my knees so much, I always thought it was sloppy form.”

  
  


“Yeah. Keep the back more,” Sousuke holds up his hand and keeps his fingers tight together.

  
  


“Straight?” the swimmer asks.

  
  


“Yeah,” Sousuke says. He doesn't know.

  
  


The swimmer smiles and climbs back onto the block, a curtain of water falling from him as he does. Rookwood comes to stand behind Sousuke. “That's good advice, mate.”

  
  


“Good, yeah?”

  
  


"Yeah, I've been meaning to pick

up an assistant coach around here. It's a shame you're leaving so soon."

  
  


“‘Assistant'?"

  
  


"Someone to help me coach.  Like a partner." Rookwood moves his hands when he speaks. The skin around his eyes is like leather. By the look of him Sousuke guesses that he's spent a lot of time in a fishing boat.

  
  


“Oh, I understand."

  
  


"Have you ever thought about coaching?” He waits a moment before rephrasing. “Do you want to be a coach?”

  
  


“Me?" Sousuke asks, surprised by the question. No, he almost says, I want to be a swimmer.

  
  


Rookwood takes the ball cap from his head and brushes his hair back before putting it back on. “It's hard getting shoved out of something you love,” he says, drawing a long breath that rattles. “Don't get pushed away completely, kid.  Even if you can't do something don't mean you can't show someone else how to do it."

  
  


Sousuke blinks, overwhelmed by the long string of words.

  
  


He sighs. “Nevermind. I'm saying you'd do good work. Think about it."

  
  


Sousuke thinks he's missing the nuance of the language and doesn't know if what he's said is a generalization or a job offer.

  
  


~

  
  


Nitori rushed them, literally bouncing foot to foot in excitement.  He was grating but tolerable most days, like a cute dog with a yapping bark. “Rin-senpai, I just heard the news,” he said, voice high, "about how you were scouted!"

  
  


Rin only spared him a glance from the corner of his eye as he was preoccupied with the wide grip pull-up bar he'd been battling for the last ten minutes. Sousuke's interest was immediately piqued and he lost track of the number of repetitions Rin had done.

  
  


“Congratulations.” Nitori bowed quickly, an afterthought.

  
  


"Yeah, thanks,” Rin grunted through clenched teeth.  He swung his feet forward as he hoisted himself but the movement was controlled. Sousuke kept an eye on his form to ensure he hadn't faltered.

  
  


“Anyone who had seen that race would certainly contact you. It was incredible."

  
  


"If scouts are contacting me, they must be contacting Haru too. I can't lose to him again. I'll win next time," Rin bit out, drawing himself up once more.

  
  


He dropped onto his feet and Sousuke kept his eyes forward and his focus on his own weights shame settled into him, looming and heavy.

  
  


"That reminds me," Rin said as he turned to face Sousuke. He was pink-cheeked from excursion. "The university you're going to reached out to me, too."

  
  


Sousuke felt every muscle tense as an electrical current was working its way through him.

  
  


"It depends on their offer, of course, but who knows?" A content look set on his face. "We may be swimming on the same team even after we graduate.”

  
  


He dropped the weights and his shoulder sang in relief. Sousuke sat stone-legged

on the bench near the wall. "Yeah, that'd be nice,” he conceded.

  
  


"Is something wrong?" The genuine concern in his voice made Sousuke's hair stand on end.

  
  


"Nothing's wrong."

  
  


There was half a second where he thought 

Rin would drop it, but he continued instead. "Something's been off about you since yesterday," he referred to the preliminary relay. "During the race I noticed you lost momentum for a second."

  
  


There was chalk ground into the scars in the weight room's rubber floor, Sousuke noticed.

  
  


"Are you not feeling well?”

  
  


Had someone spilled the bucket of chalk dust and neglected to clean up after themselves?  Maybe it all had come from the hands of the boys that walked the room and the dust simply built up over time.

  
  


"Why aren't you saying anything?" Rin snapped. "Spit it out!"

  
  


Nitori held his waiflike hands to Rin's back. He did more to push him forward than pull him back. “Rin-senpai, please don’t fight!"

  
  


"I know,” Rin said, oddly calm, "this isn't a fight. Let's head somewhere else.” He gestured for Sousuke to follow him, and powerless as he was, Sousuke did.

  
  


~

  
  


The sun has nearly set before Rin's practice ends. The team is tired but cheerful and Sousuke feels their energy sink into him, if only a little. "I'm going to shower, give me like two minutes," Rin calls over his shoulder as he runs from the pool into the hall. Sousuke starts to say something about running on wet floors but Rin is gone before he can open his mouth. 

  
  


“How long you been studying English for?” Rookwood asks, stopping Sousuke as he heads for the exit.

  
  


“Ah, in high school I took English.” He gives the door a longing stare before settling against the wall next the coach.

  
  


“You think you'll go on with it?”

  
  


Sousuke pauses. "Sorry, I don't understand.”

  
  


“Do you like English?” He asks more simply.

  
  


“Yeah, it is difficult, but good for getting work. Rin has to teach me.”

  
  


"You should continue it."

  
  


“Yeah?"

 

A few of the boys stayed behind to put away kickboards and the coach watches them with a critical eye. Sousuke thinks that if they weren't talking he'd be yelling at the kid in the blue speedo for his uneven stacking. 

  
  


"Obviously, kid. If you're going to be here you're going to be able to get around. Can't be relying on Rin for everything."

  
  


“If I'm in Australia?"

  
  


“Yeah, exactly.”

  
  


Sousuke looks out at the surface of the pool. "I do not have plans about that. I am going home to Tokyo soon.”

  
  


“That's a shame,” Coach Rookwood says. 

“The past week Rin's been happier than I've ever seen him. Less of a shit, too.”

  
  


“Rin is happy here?"

  
  


“More like I'm saying Rin is happy with you around. I think the kid is homesick.”

  
  


Sousuke is confused but doesn't voice it. English is frustrating. He says silent instead, watching as the water goes still again.

  
  


“I want him happy,” Sousuke says after a while.

  
  


“I can tell. You seem close.”

  
  


A light switches on outside, signifying the official setting of the sun.

  
  


Rin dashes back into the room fully clothed and with a towel draped over his shoulders.  H

is wet hair drips onto it. "Okay Sou, let's go.”

  
  


“Where are we going?" he asks, glad to speak Japanese again.

  
  


“I need to show you a thing,” he says.

  
  


“What kind of thing?”

  
  


“A thing I meant to show you like five days ago. Come on.” Rin tugs on his wrist once. “Thanks, coach.”

  
  


Rookwood's voice echoes through the hall, distorting his words, and Sousuke

is not able to understand them.

  
  


~

  
  


Outside the air was heavy.  The sun had set and the flickering yellow lamp posts guided their path. Their wattage seemed wrong.

  
  


"I told you, nothing's wrong."

  
  


Sousuke turned away from Rin and looked into the darkness of the sparse woods as it was an easier thing to face. During the day the thicket of trees was benign but at night their twisting trunks and long-casted shadows were sinister.

  
  


"Let me ask you. Now that you've raced the relay how do you feel? Remember what you told me? Did you find it?"

  
  


"I don't know."

  
  


Rin bristled. "What?"

  
  


He turned on him. "I said I didn't know if I'd found it."

  
  


Rin lurched forward and fisted his collar, shoving his back into the thick trunk of the tree. Sousuke's heart roared in his ears but he closed his eyes and breathed through it, fighting the urge to lay hands on Rin and retaliate.

  
  


"I know I told you I wanted to swim a

relay,” the volume of Rin's voice rose, “and that I only wanted people who were serious about it on my team. And now you tell me you 'don't know'?" He jerked Sousuke, pushing his luck. “Are you telling me you weren't taking it seriously?”

  
  


He trusted himself to open his eyes but not to look at him. "You think swimming with you is something I'd ever not take seriously?"

  
  


"Then why?" Rin shouted, catching his eye.

  
  


"Because it's so serious to me that I can't pretend I understand now," he said, raising his own voice in return and twisting Rin's

hand out of the grip it had on his shirt. Rin's mouth opened minutely, a flash of rose petal tongue behind his teeth. "There's one thing I do know," Sousuke said. 

  
  


He couldn't look at him. He felt like a child. He was about to throw a tantrum. It is unfair, the most unfair situation Sousuke could yet imagine, and he was alone in it by his own design. He still remembers how it felt that day in the doctor's office, how he'd thrown up in the garbage can outside and it felt like his guts were burning up.

  
  


"I want to swim more," he said instead.  His breath came and went. “This isn't enough.”

  
  


Sousuke selfishly wished Rin would somehow hold the burden for him. But that wasn't his to carry. Rin stiffened slightly, perhaps thrown by redundancy of what Sousuke had said. "Then swim."

  
  


Sousuke let his eyes fall across him. This was the only fair thing to do - let Rin worry about himself and his real prospects, not the opportunities that had been so cleanly sheared from Sousuke's future.

  
  


"Swim as much as it takes until you find the answer."

  
  


He looked at Rin's face, shadowed by the halo of light above them, and let himself smile. "Right."

  
  


~

  
  


"You wanted to show me where you go to school?"

  
  


"Yeah," Rin says. "It's late, so I mean, not that many people are going to be here. But you'll get the idea.”

  
  


They approach the building, massive and frightening in the light of the street lamps.  It's old and gothic with arched sandstone walkways and Sousuke imagines Rin passing under them every day on his way to class.

  
  


"Huh."

  
  


"It’s a nice place, yeah?" Rin nudges him with his foot. “Where do you want to go first?”

  
  


"Just walk me through your day. Show me your classes,” Sousuke says.  He feels Rin's body heat where the backs of their hands almost touch.

  
  


"No,"  Rin says, voice surprisingly soft. "I'm asking what you want to see.  You said you were going to university in Tokyo next year, maybe.  What for?”

  
  


"I haven't thought about it, honestly."

  
  


"What about Sports Medicine?"

  
  


They're walking to the Great Hall now, no other destination in mind.

  
  


"What about it?" Sousuke asks.

  
  


"That's what you said you wanted to do before.  Why the change of heart?" Rins eyes train on everything that moves: the moths dancing in the lights of the street lamps, the tiny bats that swoop down to make a meal of them, the rustling leaves of the massive trees on the quad - but he won't look at Sousuke.

  
  


"I don't know. Seems impractical." And painful, he doesn't say.

  
  


They pass under the entryway and Rin opens the door. The Great Hall is empty but there are chairs set out as though waiting for someone to come along. It is massive and echoes with their footfalls.

  
  


Rin ignores him. “This way," he leads, planning Sousuke’s future successes.

  
  
  


-

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to amber, whose words keep me going. I love you my biorobotic mom


End file.
